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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2007|02:50 pm]
[mood |sadsad]
[music |Peter Gabriel - More Than This]

I woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold...

As almost every other weekend, I'm alone. I worked yesterday until I couldn't keep my eyes open; until I seriously thought I'd faint. This has happened before. What had never happened is that no one messaged me. Never thought loneliness could be multiplied by thousand fold if no one messaged me. Until later on, dad dropped me a message and we talked for a while... however, he's my dad. We could have had the same conversation on the phone. And until 3 am, when I gave up and left, no one uttered a "hi". I guess this finally means I've done it; I've scared away all of my friends.

It started when I saw the ship go down
I saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

Nat's msn nick name was something about having a tape stolen, a tape about her homework. I felt worried and messaged her about it, but she didn't even answer: she replied "ciao" and blocked me. I started crying.

Now we're busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past

I wish it had all never happened. All it brought me was misery, and it's my own fault. I threw away happiness for that goddarn ephimeral relationship! I hurt I don't know how many people, lashing out in anger and pain, and it's finally left me almost friendless. Now I fucking cling to being about as alive as a puppet, and am unable to cry on my best friend's shoulder. And Taryn doesn't even care. Because it wasn't her fault... it was mine, I got carried away.

With my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and I'm all there
right next to you

I'm just tired of crying. All of this comes crashing into my brain and gives me a huge migraine. I should get three words tattooed onto my shoulder: "You're An Idiot". And I'm sure that if Ariel/Karla/Taryn/Cynthia are reading this journal, they'll agree. I've been not much more than a spoilt brat to most of the girls I've been with, anyway. I know nothing about love and everything about breaking a girl's heart.

There is something else there
when all that you had has all gone

I'm hoarse now.

Gonna go install Mozilla, and carve "naiteru" onto my skin with a blunt knife.
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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2007|12:01 am]
[music |The Strokes - Reptilia]

Kuso kuso kuso. KUSO.

It kind of infuriates me that I try to find resources for Ranma 1/2 and Sailormoon and the bulk of what I get is HENTAI. -_- I mean, it isn't that I think that hentai is unhealthy and pornorific and stuff. But I ARE NOT IN A SEARCH FOR HENTAI. -_____- I want resources!!!!

The fact that I no longer find, a) Agent Johnson naked, b) Agent Smith(s) massively raping Neo, funny anymore, worries me. Well, no, it doesn't. Or does it? I dunno anymore. Nothing's from the MSPT is funny anymore, and I miss Kyra like hell. I insist that there's no Trin like tr1n.


I went watching Charlie Chaplin's "Modern Times" on the National Auditorium today. That was way too much fun. It's humor so innocent it makes you wonder if you should weep because nothing's that innocent anymore, or just laugh because it's so darned funny. And yet, the plot of the movie is... I dunno how to explain. But so much fun.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2007|03:54 pm]
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |The Strokes - Reptilia]

Yeah, the night's not over
You're not trying hard enough
Out lives are changing lanes
You ran me off the road,
The wait is over
I'm now taking over,
You're no longer laughing
I'm not drowning fast enough.

I broke out crying in front of mom today. I couldn't tell her why, but I knew pretty well why. I've become so frightened of loving. It seemed so easy some months ago, but now it's a topic I don't even want to touch. It scares me.

I'm not drowning fast enough.
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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2007|02:46 pm]
[mood |clean!]

Okay. So contrary to what I ever thought I would, I'm watching La Academia (our edition of American Idol). My dad's a judge there. Never thought I would actually ENJOY what one of the singers had to sing. He's a chubby guy, but with a passion, and even if I don't like the style of things he sings, I totally respect the passion he puts into his act.

Cesar.Collapse )

In other news. The Strokes last night omg. I kid no one, they sucked. They're a tribute to the 70's-80's. There was ONE song I liked. Reptilia.

*Goes get dressed.*
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2007|01:14 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Lord Of The Rings - The Steward Of Gondor]

My newest website's construction's going well. I like how I am placing things. Some time away from websites was okay for my psyche, I think. TLT is so staying on hiatus until my lazy ass decides to RCP it, tho'.

Whenever did the Tatu.us crew start getting LJ's? Not to be exclusive, but seriously, LJ used to be haven of total regardlessness for me when it came to other people. Now they're all around here. I'm so not taking care of what I say anymore, goddamnit.

I want the digicam back. I've been dying to make some genderbending poses. The lacking factor in here is that I don't have someone to take them. -.-

I've been checking out Transster's snapshots. Good god, chest surgery scares the shit out of me. To the point of not knowing, two years later, if I want to do it or not. I mean, it'd rid me of the "ma'am" and give the "man", but I've always opposed and hated intrusive surgery, and more if it means submitting my very much loved body to such abuse and the posibility of having a numb chest and/or nipples. There's been cases of guys that don't recover full sensation until years later.

Dad is so very supportive of this, thought. It's funny: he'd totally behave the same as he does now if he had to call me "son". He admits I behave like an older brother to my baby sister. He's not that masculine, but if I am ever to transition, I wish to have him as a rolemodel. He's a good man. Made lots of mistakes, but he's finally learning. I'm so proud of him for being the way he is. My dad is seriously an unique man.

Back on the transition theme. It isn't only chest surgery what scares the fuckadies out of me; testosterone also does. Good god, sideburns. How I wish they were here. And ACTUAL belly hair, not that Walmart brand belly fuzz that I feel like yelling at, "Decide already! Are you gonna grow or not?!" A defined jaw, too, very much a point Dylan made me consider. But with sideburns, comes zits, and with belly hair, comes the "little guy's" growth. Not that I don't wish him to grow, but I don't want to hump legs for the rest of my transition. I just, sometimes, ask myself if all of that would be worth it if one day I just stared at myself in the mirror and said, "that's the man I should have been born to be".

What about society? I am happy, yes, will be happy, yes. But I intend to be a father someday (yes, a father. Weirdo, aren't I? A father that burdened his own child), and as much as can I hope that by the day I've gathered enough guts to be a *cough* man and transition, my child won't have problems at school, at it's daily life, maybe that won't happen in 10 years. If I can sacrifice my own vanity for the sake of my child's integrity is not a question; it's an affirmation: I can. But there's just so much I can stand.

Bottomline of this post: I'm scared of becoming an adult.

(Mitja, if you reply to this post by saying that having a beard is a pain in the ass, I will kick your gonads back into childhood).
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(no subject) [Mar. 7th, 2007|11:28 pm]
[mood |relaxedrelaxed]
[music |Nobuo Uematsu - Blue Fields]

You know when music makes you want to draw something? Music flooding into my ears and it just creates something so beautiful in my mind... and these hands of mine aren't really capable of creating what I think. It's sad when that happens. In some way I want to make it, just create it as beautiful as it starts and ends...

Deep inside me, I think the world is in the hands of artists and creative people. Not people that control, but people that create. I aren't really sure into what cathegory I fit... not yet. But this is why I value Kyra so much. Even tho' I haven't heard of her in ages. It makes me sad to be such a social retard... an intelect like Sariel's, or like Kyra's, is just way beyond my league. Squishy's intelect is, my brother's is. Nat's too. All that these hands of mine create is mostly rotten... and it confuses me as to who am I. I don't know how to control, I don't know how to create. Big words come out of my mouth, huge words are typed by my fingers. But if I should take these words and make them images, how will I do it?


My knees hurt a lot. I am in between what mom says about me and Squishy says. Mom says I should go down a couple of kilos and take care of my knees, as if I haven't been doing that forever. Squishy, studying Sports Medicine, says that if I should continue like this, there'll come the time when I'll need braces for my knees. It almost makes me want to cry. I mean, without further medical advice, how do I know they won't get better if I exercise them for a while? Or even with that, maybe I'll do the most absolut ridicule at a tournament? I swear I've tried to lose weight. Mom says it like it's so easily done. I just wish she'd snap out of her perfect thin world and realize that my knees and ankle aren't about to snap because I'm 5 pounds overweight, thing that I'm not even sure I am anymore. It truly doesn't help... But I don't think that's the sole reason. This school I am in has select groups for exhibition at tournaments. They make special selective divisions. And even if I go down those 5 pounds, I'll never make the select teams. Even if I try, I've become so goddarn slow... and I can't stand the blows I get. My old school had kicking restrictions... we never did hit so hard. And I made the mistake of re-entering a tough school when I wasn't used to it, at one of the hardest belts. I wonder if I deserve it, for real.
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(no subject) [Mar. 6th, 2007|10:04 pm]
As every two or three weekends, mom went off to have her private boyfriend weekend. So I'm left all alone at home. It wouldn't be so bad if my Final Fantasy game was actually here... I'd play all the goddarn time. (Excepting friday and saturday - I have two exams.)

So I crept over her bed and started watching TV. Came across this Cosmetic Surgery special. And after that I sat in front of the mirror and flexed. I'm really thinner. And I kept wondering if I really did want to keep my breasts in a future. The answer was one big "?".
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(no subject) [Mar. 4th, 2007|11:24 pm]
[music |Pink - God Is A DJ]

Either I'm becoming a sour bitch because I'm single, or I truly don't care about women anymore.

Anyway, after about 8 hours of playing Final Fantasy , I must say I'm exhausted. My eyes are exhausted, my head is exhausted, my whole keyboard is exhausted. So I'm going to plop down in bed.

And no biggie make no booboo. :D Shit happens every once in a while. Yous brotha knows that.
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RIP Michael Kamen [Mar. 1st, 2007|12:54 am]
[music |Madonna - Frozen]

God am I going to miss his music. :( He and Danny Elfman were my absolute childhood loves. Now only Elfman remians. Damn.

I'm kind of dead today. But it was a fun evening nonetheless.
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Maddox teh one [Feb. 28th, 2007|11:52 pm]
[mood |gratefulgrateful]
[music |Lifehouse - Everything]

Titanio is so much fun to talk to. I SO want my game to arrive already, so I can play on my own. And I NEED to land in that freaking server, yes I do. Besides, Vana'diel is so pretty now with all of it's sakuras and spring festival tables. You can sit your character down on one of those and just go eat. (Although I'm thinking mom won't be down with me using the phone all day. She'll surely come up with something. -_- I'll turn down the computer. SOMEDAY.)

This song she promised to keep. She didn't. But for some reason, it doesn't pain me anymore. I even find it beautiful again. :)
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