||[Mar. 13th, 2007|01:14 am]
|||||Lord Of The Rings - The Steward Of Gondor||]|
My newest website's construction's going well. I like how I am placing things. Some time away from websites was okay for my psyche, I think. TLT is so staying on hiatus until my lazy ass decides to RCP it, tho'.
Whenever did the Tatu.us crew start getting LJ's? Not to be exclusive, but seriously, LJ used to be haven of total regardlessness for me when it came to other people. Now they're all around here. I'm so not taking care of what I say anymore, goddamnit.
I want the digicam back. I've been dying to make some genderbending poses. The lacking factor in here is that I don't have someone to take them. -.-
I've been checking out Transster's snapshots. Good god, chest surgery scares the shit out of me. To the point of not knowing, two years later, if I want to do it or not. I mean, it'd rid me of the "ma'am" and give the "man", but I've always opposed and hated intrusive surgery, and more if it means submitting my very much loved body to such abuse and the posibility of having a numb chest and/or nipples. There's been cases of guys that don't recover full sensation until years later.
Dad is so very supportive of this, thought. It's funny: he'd totally behave the same as he does now if he had to call me "son". He admits I behave like an older brother to my baby sister. He's not that masculine, but if I am ever to transition, I wish to have him as a rolemodel. He's a good man. Made lots of mistakes, but he's finally learning. I'm so proud of him for being the way he is. My dad is seriously an unique man.
Back on the transition theme. It isn't only chest surgery what scares the fuckadies out of me; testosterone also does. Good god, sideburns. How I wish they were here. And ACTUAL belly hair, not that Walmart brand belly fuzz that I feel like yelling at, "Decide already! Are you gonna grow or not?!" A defined jaw, too, very much a point Dylan made me consider. But with sideburns, comes zits, and with belly hair, comes the "little guy's" growth. Not that I don't wish him to grow, but I don't want to hump legs for the rest of my transition. I just, sometimes, ask myself if all of that would be worth it if one day I just stared at myself in the mirror and said, "that's the man I should have been born to be".
What about society? I am happy, yes, will be happy, yes. But I intend to be a father someday (yes, a father. Weirdo, aren't I? A father that burdened his own child), and as much as can I hope that by the day I've gathered enough guts to be a *cough* man and transition, my child won't have problems at school, at it's daily life, maybe that won't happen in 10 years. If I can sacrifice my own vanity for the sake of my child's integrity is not a question; it's an affirmation: I can. But there's just so much I can stand.
Bottomline of this post: I'm scared of becoming an adult.
(Mitja, if you reply to this post by saying that having a beard is a pain in the ass, I will kick your gonads back into childhood).